Three days later Edmund was torn from Penny’s arms as he made love to her in a bed of ripe strawberries. Waking up on his stomach, he felt something sharp jabbing the bottom of his foot. His feet automatically curled away from danger as he stared at the blurry rain spattered window surrounded by blue silk. He was still at the Smirke’s, but he felt better and life smelled of strawberries. He was going to find his Penny and…his smile twisted into a painful grimace as his innocent left foot relaxed against something sharp. “What the devil…” Pulling himself into a seated position he shuddered in horror. He was in a living nightmare; lounging at the end of his bed was the blonde devil John Smirke, dressed like a wasp in black and yellow. Hoping he was hallucinating, Edmund rubbed his eyes and yelped in pain as his foot was stabbed with something hard and pointy.
The pretty man at the end of the bed tucked a tortoiseshell letter knife into his coat pocket with a satisfied smile. “Ah lucky me…you’re awake.”
“What do you want?”
“I’m bored. Luckily, James mentioned you were in residence recovering from making an ass of yourself. I wish I’d seen Strathmore accused of stealing another man’s love letters. That would have been priceless.”
“I’m sure it was. Now if you don’t’ mind, I was sleeping.”
“You were moaning for pennies; I thought I’d oblige you.” The pretty man’s black marble eyes gleamed with devilish delight as a heavy tuppence cartwheel penny hit Edmund on the forehead and bounced into his lap.”
Rubbing his head Edmund glared at his tormentor, “That hurt you bastard.”
“Penny…” The pretty man in black and yellow stared at Edmund with an exaggerated look of longing, “Oh Penny…let me melt you in my crucible. Let me recast you with my....” The pretty man’s face took on the look of ecstasy as he groaned an exaggerated, “Ahhhhhhhh.” The pretty devil changed his voice to a high falsetto. “Oh Lucky…take me…take me…put me in your pocket and take me home before I get lost in a gutter. I long to share your drawers…” Another cartwheel penny landed on Edmund’s head and bounced off into the bedding. The pennies sat there tormenting him with the number two. He ignored the onslaught of anxiety and silently waited for another penny to be thrown his way. Rubbing his head, Edmund scowled as the devil in black and yellow jumped off the end of the bed and approached for a closer inspection of his victim. “You should have locked your door Pinhead; the fiends have slathered your hair with strawberry preserves.”
Edmund stopped rubbing his head and looked at his jammy fingers with disgust. “Yuck!”
“You’re luckier than Cousin Mildred. She woke up with orange marmalade in her hair, in her ears, up her nose, and in her shoes.”
“Poor woman.”
“Don’t feel sorry for her; she’s ugly. If I were you, I’d be praying the fiends haven’t stolen your chamber pot or filled it. Anyway, who cares about that, I’m bored. What are we going to do today?” A third Cartwheel penny was dropped onto Edmund’s head where it landed in a large glob of strawberry preserves. “We could play a game of cards, though I insist we play for money.” Another two pennies fell into Edmund’s lap. “I hate wagering personal items; it’s so predictable. Why play cards when you know what you’ll win?” A small number of pennies were thrown over the bed and spattered the wooden flood. “We could go shopping; I need some lemon drops…” Several more pennies bounded off Edmund’s head. “You’ll have to take a bath and borrow some of my clothes, they should just about fit.”
Edmund stared into black eyes with loathing, “Since when are we friends?”
“Since I’m bored and James has taken the fiends for a walk. They’ll drag him all over town for sweets and by the time he crawls home he’ll be too exhausted to entertain me. Why do pleasures of the flesh have to produce such onerous trials as children?”
“I’ve no idea. Why don’t you ask your mother?”
Smirke’s eyes narrowed in irritation. “Why would I ask my mother?”
“Who else would you ask?” Edmund crawled out of bed and reached for his trousers.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m putting on my trousers. I’m going home where I can bathe, eat and be ill in peace.”
“No you’re not.”
Edmund finished buttoning his trouser flap and reached for a boot. “Yes I am.”
“No you’re not…you’re going to spend the day with me. I have something of yours that says you will.”
Edmund shivered with fear as his imagination conjured up a mental image of his Penny at the mercy of John Smirke. “And what exactly do you have Smirke?” Edmund reached for his second boot and grimaced as his foot squelched into strawberry preserves.
“I found ten reasons under your pillow. Reason number one…” Smirke pulled a letter from the strange bulge in his waistcoat. “…a letter addressed to Miss Priscilla Stanley. Now since this virgin letter has never been opened, we can surmise that it hasn’t reached its intended addressee and therefore the task has not been completed…Oh no!” Smirke pulled the letter knife out of his pocket and slid it up against the seal with a smile. “Luckily, you’ll entertain me one way or the other. Spend the day with me or I’ll read your stupid love letters and throw them in the fire. I assume the thought of being unable to thoroughly complete such a delicate task makes you writhe in agony. Thoroughness; what a boring Achilles heel.”
The thought of Smirke reading his letters was sickening, but the thought of losing them into the fire made Edmund blanch. “Don’t be cruel Smirke. I must deliver them to Penny. I must have resolution.”
“I think we’ll buy some lemon drops and then see if there’s anything on at the playhouse…we can throw pennies at people in the pit.”
“I’m ill. I don’t want to go to the playhouse; I need to find my Penny. Mrs Smirke says Penny is as safe as if I’d put her in one of my collection drawers, but she wouldn’t say where. All she’d say was that I was to go home and ask my housekeeper. I refuse to follow you around Bath like a stupid spaniel. I want to find my Penny.”
John Smirke’s black eyes chilled with irritation. “I understand your Penny is quite pleasing on the eyes. It so happens I know where Miss Priscilla is staying. James told me at breakfast. I suppose Agnes didn’t want to tell you in case it upset you and disturbed your sleep. If you refuse to entertain me I may find diversion by delivering your letters. There’s always the chance your Penny would rather be picked up by a more worthy and beautiful collector.”
Edmund growled as he grabbed his waistcoat and started shoving buttons through holes with shaking hands. “Go near my Penny and you’ll thoroughly regret it. She’s mine and I love her.”
“Don’t tell me what I can or can’t do infant. If you won’t keep me company I know where to find some.”
Edmund’s aching heart threatened to burst from his chest as he grabbed his coat and pulled it on. “Alright. I’ll be your toady, but only until five o’clock and I insist you first give me your word as a gentleman that you’ll give me all ten letters and stay away from my Penny.”
“Seven o’clock…”
“First give your word…”
“On my honour, I’ll give you your poxy letters…pray I don’t change my mind. Now about your clothes…”
“I’m not wearing another man’s clothes and I certainly won’t strut after you in black and yellow like a mindless drone. Take me to the playhouse smelling of strawberry preserves in my dirty shirt or go hang yourself. I trust I’m lucky enough to reach my Penny before you.”
The black eyes visibly chilled. “I don’t like your tone…Pinhead.”
“Well luckily you won’t have to endure it past seven…Smirke.”
The black eyed devil scowled as he looked Edmund up and down. “If you insist on looking like a dog’s dinner we’ll have to stay home and play cards. I’m hungry; come keep me company. I can’t stand Agnes on my own; frightening woman. Every time I look at her she makes my manhood shrivel. I’ve never met a woman so beautiful and so repulsive. How James can bed her I’ll never know. I asked him once, but he thought I was asking for advice on how to…” A knock on the door interrupted the pretty man making him scowl.
Edmund sighed in relief, “Come.”
Agnes Smirke opened the door and eyed her brother-in-law with her usual frozen look. “What is that strange bulge in your waistcoat? Don’t tell me you’ve stolen someone’s heart.”
“It’s none of your business what I shove in my waistcoat.” The pretty devil froze with horror as his sister-in-law marched up to him and forcibly removed the bundle of letters. “Give those back.”
“I don’t believe you’re acquainted with Miss Priscilla Stanley.” Edmund eagerly accepted his letters and clutched them in relief. “Pray forgive my brother. Too many hours spent staring into mirrors has warped his perception of what constitutes acceptable behaviour. Do I smell strawberries?”
Edmund finished counting his ten letters a third time before shoving them into his own waistcoat where they warmed his heart with hope. “I woke up with strawberry preserves in my hair…and in my left boot.”
She eyed her brother-in-law with a look that made the pretty man visibly shudder. “What are you looking at me for?”
“How old are you John, five or thirty-two? Shall I buy you a teething toy for Christmas? Slathering sleeping guests with preserves is a childish prank.”
“I didn’t do it. Your little fiends must have broken into the larder again.”
“You’re pathetic John. Grow up.”
Black eyes glistened with hatred as his cheeks rouged with embarrassment. “If you weren’t married to James…”
“…I wouldn’t have to put up with you; now go eat your lunch and leave Lord Warenne in peace. He’s a decent human being; he doesn’t want your company.”
John Smirke dug his hands into his pockets and violently threw two handfuls of pennies on the floor with a black look. “Here Pinhead, have some pennies to add to your collection; happy counting…”
Edmund stared at the floor in irritation as the pretty man stomped from the room. The overwhelming urge to find and count the pennies was for once irritating. He didn’t want to spend precious moments picking up copper coins when he could be holding his lucky Penny. “Smirke knows where you left Miss Priscilla…where is she? Just tell me.”
Agnes glanced up from the floor, “She’s at your house. Your housekeeper took some convincing, but eventually relented. You have to admit it’s the perfect drawer for your penny. Strathmore would never marry a woman who’d stayed unchaperoned in a bachelor’s residence. Luckily your Penny didn’t actually want to marry that devil; he’d be a formidable temptation if he wasn’t so heartless and miserable.”
“Why didn’t you let her come visit me? I could have seen her.”
“Yes and she might have caught my brother’s eye. Hurry home and carry her away before John gets one of his stupid ideas of revenge. You forgot your cravat…I’ll send for the carriage while you finish dressing.”
“Thank you Mrs Smirke…for everything…”
“You’re lucky; I’d go to any length of trouble to wreck one of Strathmore’s schemes. The man ruined one of my relations on a whim and left her broken hearted. I’d roast him on a spit if he wasn’t my husband’s dearest friend; happy honeymoon.” As the door closed Edmund realised he’d have just enough time to pick up the pennies and count them before the carriage arrived.
Go to chapter 16